02/03/2025

so general life updates:

• finally bucked up and called a counselor to talk about classes and what to schedule. that's in 2 days and i am nervous but excited to have someone to actually talk to about
• in the same week, i should be calling the behavioral place my doctor recommended about ADHD meds and my mental health and shit (assuming we can find the number. she lost it)

i also successfully got one of my friends into tf2 and have been getting back into it! it's a little less fun without people to share it with though

all i have to show for it is some funny screenshots i've sent my wife

09/03/2025

counselor meeting went really well! class reg doesn't start for another 2 weeks, but i was sent home with a list of transferrable classes and already have almost everything i want to take lined up. still gotta think about electives and a second humanities class, but otherwise i am set and just have to wait for registration to start!

other than that my week's been pretty mundane. i made archimedes on a whim, that was something.

12/03/2025

jesus fucking christ the past few days have felt like ages. i wake up and it feels like three weeks have passed and NO! IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS! IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN A FULL WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE LIVED THROUGH MONTHS.

anyways rapid fire updates:

• been procrastinating on a disability scholarship that closes in like a week and a half because i only have documentation proving that i have one thing, except i'm also aware that the one thing i CAN prove i have was actually surprisingly inconsequential in how i got here. if my issues and the journey they made me take that led me to become who i am today was like a puzzle, it's like. maybe four pieces in the grander picture. if it was a hard drive, it's like a single tiny file sitting next to the load-bearing heavy png that's taking up half the driver space. except because i don't have papers proving that i have anything else, it means i can't talk about shit like how my poor mental health led me to be more empathetic than the average person or something
• related to the last one, i have realized how much i hate lying to people. i have to make shit up about how ONE TINY PART of the puzzle is actually the ENTIRE PUZZLE and it makes me uncomfortable lying about it because i know how little it's affected my entire life
• bought an ipod today. pretty excited for when it comes
• decided to try out dressing emo for the first time in a while. i kinda stopped going all the way a while ago (turns out women's jeans make me crazy dysphoric lmao. i wore them for years and never noticed) and decided to test it out again, and honestly? not bad when i adjusted it a bit so i didn't look at my legs and feel like crawling out of my skin
• i think the winter funk is finally ending. the basement is still cold but it's gotten sunnier and i feel weirdly good about life

so yeah. classes for my first semester open up in a few days too, so i'm looking forward to being able to plot out my classes and start deciding what i want my electives to be

other than that today i am recording a bug with the new bleasdale rework in phas, guest players in a lobby will crash while host players are fine

18/03/2025

ALRIGHT SO. still procrastinating on that disability thing. the due date's approaching fast so i REALLY should just bite the bullet and record whatever the hell i need to record, but i've been having so much fun making a repository website for a dead writing project i'm the only one making substantial shit for and i don't wanna stop

ipod's taking a while too, but EOE is run by one guy so i'm gonna do my best to be patient about it. i'm so fucking excited for it

i did also recently realize that i think a lot of my difficulty thinking of issues that the one diagnosed thing caused (surprisingly very little! it's such a non-problem that i can't even bullshit a reason and find a way to tie it back) but all i can think of is a one-off instance from when i was 10

i was doing the charlie charlie challenge with my friends at lunch because it was 2015 and i was a kid with internet access, what else was i supposed to do, and one kid called me the R slur for doing it. AND LITTLE DID HE KNOW. OF ALL THE SLURS HE PICKED. he happened to pick the one that actually affected me. it was a one-time instance that was ACCIDENTAL and i find that so fucking funny. i got so lucky that i could pull the neurodivergent card there and get him in trouble because right until my teacher made us talk it through i completely forgot it happened

i've never even hated myself for it. there wasn't even some kind of internal struggle about it, my mom gave me the fucking disorder and she was thriving with it. she made sure i didn't hate myself for it or ever think i was broken because my brain was literally built different (and yes i do get sappy when i think about that).

there's nothing. no adversity, no hardships specifically caused by it, all the adversity i HAVE faced has been caused by everything EXCEPT that somehow and it's pissing me off how much i CAN'T work with this